Oh how much we love The Underground. The other day I bought a t-shirt with the tube map on it saying “I’M GOING UNDERGROUND” which I wear to bed quite often and love dearly. The tube is definite;y my favorite, best operated, cleanest, easiest subway system to operate of any city I have ever been in so far. It’s just so freakin’ great.
Except on the weekends. On the weekends it’s positively mental because of God only knows what the real reason is for shutting down the Circle, Hammersmith and City, Bakerloo and Jubilee lines. These are all the lines you need as a tourist or as a Londoner in general to get anywhere in London that is anything. Shutting them down on the weekends is crap.
So in relation and light of the tube madness, one of my friends posted this on Facebook recently and I just had to share it here with you because it’s just bloody brilliant and makes us feel better about being stuck in odd places we don’t want to be to get down to Waterloo, King’s Cross and Embankment. These kind of encounters do occur on the tube. For a point of reference, I live on Baker Street.
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE:A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’
2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’
3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’
4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’
5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.
6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’
8) ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’
9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’
10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’
11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’
12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’
13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’
14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’